In the last year and a half, I have had some wonderful support, but there has been one close and dear to my heart who has no idea how much she has helped keep the days brighter and my heart lighter. She was unable to visit when J was killed. Life doesn't always make it easy to travel across the miles despite our longing to hold those we care for so deeply. It bothered her I could tell, despite my reassurance that I, of all people, get it... I understand. You don't always have to be face to face to know how much someone cares or feel their hug, their love. Since J died she has texted me so many times and with an uncanny sense of when I needed her. One time a typo lead to "Jigs" instead of "Hugs"... and it stuck. On a tough day my phone would vibrate... "love you! Jigs!!" I'd let out a chuckle, a smile and feel a little more warmth in my heart. She just wanted to help. She didn't know then what I was feeling...the loneliness, the ache, the stress, the anxiety, the loss, the unknown...now she does.
I am a widow and now... so is she. Her text this morning... "It is real." I felt the wave of heartache come over me that I have grown to know so well. I remember the day that same realization came over me. I often wonder still if he will walk through the front door, if he will be holding me when I wake up. I'll do a double take as a man steps out of his truck. As the dust settles and we deal with the acuity of the event, we slowly look around and realize "Damn... this isn't just a bad dream." I so badly wanted to grab her around the neck, cry with her and simply say... "I know... I'm sorry." I wanted to jump through my phone and walk beside her... to encourage her when she needs it, to carry her when she just doesn't want to do it, to applaud her when she realizes she can and will.... Widow to Widow... Family to Family.
I want her to know that the silly things people say are because they want to reach out, they want to help. I want her to know that it is ok to say "Yes, Please" when someone offers to help and that it is NOT a sign of weakness. I want her to know that it is wonderful to stand strong and move forward, but ok to simply want to hold your head in your hands and cry. I want her to know that it isn't always true... "that time will heal"...but that time WILL make it easier. I want her to know that with time a "new normal" will find its way into her life. I want her to know how much she is loved. I want her to know that while he is gone, he will always live in her heart. I want her to know that a broken heart is not just a figure of speech...it HURTS. I want her to know that I am here for her...across the miles, yet close to the heart.
I love you... and I wish I could take your pain away because I know how bad it feels.
I love you to the moon and back... goodnight my friend, goodnight my love... </3
