It's the moments I don't brace for that seem to be the hardest. I am sitting here on the eve of Charlee's third birthday and my heart feels heavy. I don't have a party planned. I know what I want to get her... I just haven't had time to get it from the store. I have a plan for tomorrow... I just haven't had time to get it all together...yet. But I promise you one thing that I will always have time for...making sure she knows how much I love her. As I tucked her in tonight, we talked about who was the birthday girl tomorrow. When she looked up at me and said in her sweet little quiet voice "me mommy, me" I couldn't help but tear up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by his absence, the fact that he isn't here to celebrate with me... us... that his sweet little daughter will be celebrating another year. I know he's with her, I know he's watching... but I want to tell him, talk to him, about all she's done and how much she's grown. It's the little things...She's potty trained, she can count to 15, we're learning our letters, her beautiful hair is down to her waist, she'll eat almost anything except tomatoes, she LOVES her some chocolate, her smile will light up a room, she loves her brothers and sister, she holds strong to her BB (aka paci), and she'll win over anyone's heart in a flash. She is my kryptonite... and she's turning 3 tomorrow. I often wonder how I am going to survive the next 15 (who am I kidding... 30) years.
I knew the time would come when she would ask and talk about her daddy. She still doesn't completely understand, but she loves his pictures. She knows he's in Heaven. She knows he's with Jesus. Oh and she'll tell anyone who'll listen when it's on her mind. It has made for an occasional uncomfortable moment. Charlee and I were waiting for take out one night. Sitting at the edge of the bar, I was enjoying a cold beer while we waited, a sprite for her. A poor unsuspecting couple sat down next to us and with her sweet charm and cute smile, the man was talking to Charlee within a few seconds. He asked her her name. "Charlee Sheets" she replied. He asked her how old she was. "Two!" she boasted. Then he asked her what she was watching on mommy's phone. She held up the phone with a picture of her and her daddy and explained... "That's me and my daddy. He's in Heaven with Jesus." I could only chuckle... poor guy....but that's what she knows. And tonight as I tucked that sweet thing in, it hurts my heart that THAT is what she knows... and tomorrow she turns 3. It's amazing how fast the time passes.
As the holidays approach, I feel that ache a little stronger in my heart. The heartache is healing, but it isn't gone. I feel guilty for dreading the holidays and as I look at my four wonderful kids, I wish I could enjoy the holidays like I used to. I know they notice, I simply pray they know how much they make it better. It is because of them and all the wonderful friends I have around me that I know it will be ok. I feel him there and I wonder sometimes if he gets as sad as I am... or on other days as angry. I do know he's proud. Proud of so many things, but mostly of his little girl. Happy Birthday Charlee. I love you to the heavens and back. I miss you my love.
Good night my friends. </3
