Thanksgiving

Its Thanksgiving, we're supposed to be thankful.  I am.  I am thankful for my job, for being comfortable and able to support my family, for my friends who are there when I need a shoulder, for my health, but mostly for my children.  I am thankful I was able to bring them into this world, to smile and laugh, brighten everyone's day.  I know that in some way each of them will make a difference.  So, I am thankful this year…but it is hard…hard not to be angry, hard not to be tired of the "thankful posts" on Facebook, hard not to be tired of people encouraging me to "Have a Happy Thanksgiving", hard not to be frustrated with family and their idea of difficult, hard not to get caught up in what should be instead of what is, hard not to want him back… frying the turkey while I put the rest of the meal together inside, hard not to smile at the memory of Autumn running inside with a smile, out of breath saying "J needs another beer and the turkey has 15 more minutes", hard not to wish I could simply curl up and shut the rest of the world out.

I won't of course.  I'll get up tomorrow morning, just like every other morning I am granted.  I'll pick my baby girl up out of her crib, sing her songs, snuggle with her in bed for awhile because we have no rush to get moving.  I'll get dressed, put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out… and be Thankful, but not without a tear.  I miss you my dear husband, every day…but even more on your favorite holiday.  I am thankful for the time I had with you here by my side.  I only wish you were still here curled up with me on the couch in front of the fire.  Goodnight my love.

Now I lay me down to sleep…..

We had a routine at night, like most couples do.  I was still nursing so bath time was your favorite time with little Charlee.  It was a break for me that I often spent standing just outside the bathroom door listening to you both instead of being even the slightest bit productive.  I loved watching you with her… you were so in love with that sweet little angel.  You didn't want a girl… but you were surprised.  She stole your heart from day 1…. "a lot like her Momma" you would say to me.  Watching you with her made me love you even more, something I never thought was possible.  After bath time you would get her jammies on, then hand her to me for nursing and night time.  I would rock her in the recliner listening to her quietly nurse her way to sleep.  She would look up at me with those beautiful hazel eyes with so much love.  I'd find myself drifting off to sleep once she closed her eyes…then feel someone watching.  I would look up to see you standing in the doorway, your silhouette outlined…arms on the doorframe.  Tonight as I rocked sweet Charlee to sleep, I closed my eyes briefly.  Then suddenly I felt someone watching… I opened my eyes and briefly saw your silhouette in the doorway.  You faded too quickly, were you really there?  Were you with me?  And then I ask myself that stupid worn out question… "Are you really gone?"

The holidays are descending upon us quickly and I find myself struggling even more.  I had your armor on last year.  That hard outer shell that kept me standing and smiling when asked how things were going.  I was braced and prepared for the "first Thanksgiving"… the "first Christmas."  Perhaps my armor is rusting from a little too much rain… my strength seems to be fading.  My new normal is harder than I expected.  It is lonely, even when surrounded by so much love.  The holidays seem to make that more pronounced.  So I quietly wonder how to make such a difficult time for me so happy for the children.  I try and focus on their smiles, their wonder, their excitement… then pray they don't realize what's going on inside my head.

So tonight as I lay me down to sleep and pray the lord my soul to keep,
I will dream of you and a love so true…
I will dream of myself wrapped in your arms so tight..
I will pray for strength in this lonely fight.
I know each day brings me closer to light and as each day passes, I'll be alright.
I miss you my love… sweet dreams…goodnight.

</3… goodnight my friends.