Reality

I think I have been a little naive when it came to this road I am traveling.  I remember a good friend who came, so unselfishly to my side, when my husband was killed.  She had lost her husband suddenly.  For her, it had been seven years.  I remember the tears in her eyes and I briefly thought..."That won't be me in seven years...I will heal, I won't be sad."  I remember thinking... "Wow... this hurts something awful, but I will get through this."  I underline through because I truly thought there was another side.  Naive.  There is no other side... There is no "getting through" this.

One week from today will be three years.  Three... And it still hurts.  I've said this before and I'll say it again.  Heartache is real, Grief is real, its emotional and its physical.  For me it hurts just under my heart, on the left side.  I can touch it, point to it.  It hurts behind my eyes when something catches me off guard and I feel the all too familiar sting of tears. Sometimes it makes me angry. Other times I welcome the pain. It reminds me of him.  It brings him front and center. It returns him to my dreams.

Smells, sounds, songs.... My memory, my thoughts are so often triggered by a melody...a sound... a smell.  It's May in North Carolina and there is a very distinct smell that fills the air this time of year.  I spent a lot of time sitting on my deck or the front porch after he passed away.  The house felt empty and somehow sitting outside listening to the crickets, the frogs and the birds made me feel less lonely. I still struggle with that daily.  The loneliness.  My children and my friends make it bearable, but its different. I want a hug... his hug.  I want a kiss... his kiss.  So as the seasons change and late spring and early summer present itself in Winston, I feel it.  I feel the blanket of loneliness, the emptiness that he filled... but mostly I feel the nervousness and sadness that comes when a tragedy presents itself.

So now I realize this... A post on facebook that brought it front and center... right between the eyes.

"The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same. Nor should you want to."  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I will never be the same and those in my life moving forward must accept that...and so must I.  I miss you my love.  Goodnight my love, Goodnight my friends.  </3