What I Miss

What do I miss?? 

This post is for all of you out there in a relationship that may occasionally have its trials...its moments where you want to throw in the towel....its moments when you say "he/she doesn't appreciate me"...or "he/she doesn't help at all!"   So basically, this is for all those normal relationships out there.  Here are a few of the little things I miss.

1. Someone to kill my spiders.

2. Someone to fix little things around the house.

3. Someone to randomly text me that he loves me.

4. Someone to take care of me when I am sick.

5. Someone to complain to when work absolutely sucked that day.

6. Someone to ask me if I want another beer.

7. Someone to brush their hand across my back and whisper in my ear when asking if I want another beer.

8. Someone to drive me home if I have had too many "another beers."

9. Someone to give the toddler a bath when I just want to sit still for 5 minutes.

10. Someone to go to a dinner party with.

11. Someone to run a quick errand for me when I need it.

12. Someone to reach for my hand while we are driving around running errands.

13. Someone to start the grill. 

14. Someone to surprise me with a plan for dinner.

15. Someone to help me tackle the on going "to do list."

16. Someone to work out with who pushes me to the limit because he knows I can do it and won't listen to a single excuse.

17. Someone to protect me.

18. Someone to hug me.

19. Someone to go figure out why the dog is barking.

20. Someone to do the weed eating after I mow the yard.

21. Someone to take me to lunch.

22. Someone to pack the cooler while we get ready for the pool.

23. Someone to kiss me... Really kiss me.

24. Someone to fix the kegerator.

25. Someone to wake up to.

26. Someone to occupy "the other side of the bed."

27. Someone to change a light bulb.

28. Someone to take me out to dinner.

29. Someone to take a shower with.

30. Someone to vacation with.

31. Someone to buy me a Christmas present.

32. Someone to argue with me.

33. Someone to go fill my gas tank up so I don't have to.

33. Someone to always have my back.

34. Someone to take care of me.

35. Someone who simply loves me because I am mee.

I miss my other half.  I miss my love.  It's hard to wake up one day and everything has changed.  So remember this list when you are angry and frustrated and take a deep breath and give him or her a hug and say... "I love ALL that you do for me... And I don't ever want to wake up and find that I am missing all those little things."

"Love is Patient"

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

 Author: The Bible: 1 Corinthians 13:4
But remember... Love is not always easy! 
Goodnight my love, goodnight my friends! ❤️💔

Reality

I think I have been a little naive when it came to this road I am traveling.  I remember a good friend who came, so unselfishly to my side, when my husband was killed.  She had lost her husband suddenly.  For her, it had been seven years.  I remember the tears in her eyes and I briefly thought..."That won't be me in seven years...I will heal, I won't be sad."  I remember thinking... "Wow... this hurts something awful, but I will get through this."  I underline through because I truly thought there was another side.  Naive.  There is no other side... There is no "getting through" this.

One week from today will be three years.  Three... And it still hurts.  I've said this before and I'll say it again.  Heartache is real, Grief is real, its emotional and its physical.  For me it hurts just under my heart, on the left side.  I can touch it, point to it.  It hurts behind my eyes when something catches me off guard and I feel the all too familiar sting of tears. Sometimes it makes me angry. Other times I welcome the pain. It reminds me of him.  It brings him front and center. It returns him to my dreams.

Smells, sounds, songs.... My memory, my thoughts are so often triggered by a melody...a sound... a smell.  It's May in North Carolina and there is a very distinct smell that fills the air this time of year.  I spent a lot of time sitting on my deck or the front porch after he passed away.  The house felt empty and somehow sitting outside listening to the crickets, the frogs and the birds made me feel less lonely. I still struggle with that daily.  The loneliness.  My children and my friends make it bearable, but its different. I want a hug... his hug.  I want a kiss... his kiss.  So as the seasons change and late spring and early summer present itself in Winston, I feel it.  I feel the blanket of loneliness, the emptiness that he filled... but mostly I feel the nervousness and sadness that comes when a tragedy presents itself.

So now I realize this... A post on facebook that brought it front and center... right between the eyes.

"The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same. Nor should you want to."  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I will never be the same and those in my life moving forward must accept that...and so must I.  I miss you my love.  Goodnight my love, Goodnight my friends.  </3

To lose a child.... 💔

I wonder these days... Is being a widow the same as a mother losing her son?  Does it matter?  Not really I suppose.  For both there is a loss, grief, pain, heartache, tears, disbelief...and the list goes on.  I've spent a lot of time over the last two almost three years thinking.  Yes, simply thinking.  Alone at night, moments of quiet...but mostly on my ride to work every morning, and on the treadmill or the greenway.  I see the clouds and wonder.  I watch the trees and I admire their beauty.  I notice a sunrise and all its glory.   I remember...his touch, his smell, his laugh.  I imagine.... I imagine where he is... What he sees, what he's doing.  I struggle, but I am healing.  I smile more with his memories.  I feel just a little more alive...like maybe there is a future out there for me... Beyond the grief.  But lately the pain seems a little closer to the surface.  My dear friend has lost her son.  She is in pain...I remember that pain.  She is sad...I remember that sadness.  She is angry...I remember that anger.  She is lost...I remember that abyss.  So does it really matter which is worse? No.  And I don't want to take anything away from my fellow widows.  I have had time to heal.  Time for my wound to form a scar. I have had time to think....and I think her loss is worse.

Why? Why you ask.  First of all, let me remind everyone...we are basically splitting hairs.  There is nothing about loss and grief that is easy.  Losing a spouse, a parent, a loved one, a child...it is all painful and terrible and I wish no one had to endure such pain.  But as I think more these last few weeks, my heart aches so much for my friend.  Here is why.  When we find our love, we combine with another to become one together.  We are better people. We build a life, a family.  When they are gone we struggle with so many things.   We struggle with heartache, with learning to function as one again.  We struggle to take care of "our" family, the finances, the house, the emotional loneliness.  When we lose a child... As a mother, we lose a part of us.

For the mothers out there.... Do you remember?  Do you remember the day? Do you remember the moment? The very first time you became a mother?  You were scared, petrified really, that another human being now depended upon you...YOU...for food, warmth, love, life.  But the moment you laid eyes on that sweet little boy (or girl)...your heart grew more than you could have ever dreamed possible.  Now, imagine losing that. That sweet life that every instinct in our body tells us to protect.

I try every day to help my friend.  With the little things.  It's not her fault. Period. Reminding her that she is loved, that we are here when she needs us, that yes ma'am this SUCKS, that he knew the strength of her love, that she has to get up every day and make a little effort even though she doesn't want to because her little girl needs her...now more than ever, and that asking for a little help is NOT a sign of weakness, but a sign that life can go on despite the pain.  Giving her hope that things will improve with time. Unfortunately, the pain will never go away completely. Gage will never go away....because her heart is the size it is because of that young man. One day the pain will be a dull ache and she will find that smile again...Her smile, his smile, their smile. Until that day, I think of lives lost too young, I hug my children a little tighter while I struggle to parent in today's world and I pray.  I pray for healing...Mine, yours, hers.  I cannot imagine the loss of a child, but I know loss....and it hurts.

Goodnight my friends, goodnight my love.  Goodnight my dear friend...goodnight Gage. 💔

Music #27strong

I've always loved music... Different genres, different styles. I enjoy lyrics.  It's poetry really.  Most music is simply someone bringing poetry to life. Adding another dimension to the words and thoughts that dance in our brains. We hear something...a song...the words grab us, or maybe the melody.  We feel something...the music moves us, or maybe the words.  We can relate. It explains our mood.  I am jealous of those who can sing.  Don't get me wrong, I sing.  I am fabulous in the shower...in my car...in my mind.  My sweet Charlee asks... "Mommy sing me a song." As I sing to her, her eyes focus on mine, lost in my voice regardless of whether I am in tune or not.  

Since J died music has played such an important part in my life.  Sometimes a good description of my feelings, others a reminder that life continues on. It makes me smile. It makes me dance. It makes me cry. It makes me train harder, run faster. It fills the silence. It tells me a story. It makes me feel strong, sexy. It touches me. It gives me hope. I have this knack lately of picking phrases and sections out of songs that touch me, mean something to me that others may not even hear.  Within the song they may not mean what I hear from them.  Those of you that follow often and know me ... I'll often post a quote or a phrase.  "life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride."  "I see you as I fall asleep, never to touch and never to keep." 😢

Tonight as I watched some you tube videos of one of my favorite groups pentatonix... I heard a random phrase as I thought of my sweet friend and her son.  You may not hear it the same way I do.... But it stuck with me as I kissed my teenage son goodnight, tucked in my moody 13 year old girl, turned the lights off for my 10 year old and put the toddler back in bed yet again.  "Don't you worry, don't you worry child....see Heaven's got a plan for you. Don't you worry, don't you worry child."  If only us parents could manage to not to worry so much.

Goodnight my friends,  goodnight my love, Goodnight Gage...Heaven's got a plan for you.  <\3

#gonetooyoung #27strong

Tragedy - Prayers for #27

I have been meaning to write.  There are so many things that I want/need to write about... but I have struggled to find the time. Tonights entry is not so much about my personal loss, but tragedy in general.  It has been a difficult weekend for my friends and work family...for a wonderful young woman and a close knit community.  Why? you ask...Tragedy.  It happens.  We all know that, we all see it, we all hear it and we all struggle to explain it. But when it hits you close to home....it feels like a dagger right through the heart.  It isn't supposed to happen to me, to us, to my friends.  But it can, and it did.  It happened to me...and my life was suddenly turned upside down.   My husband was gone in an instant and there was nothing I could do to change that.  Now it has happened to my friend.

An entire community prays for good news, while his mother struggles with the thought of life without him, praying for a miracle.  None of us really know what to say to her, to the family.  With someone so young, you can't say "he had a good life."  With someone so healthy, you can't say "perhaps now he'll be at peace."  There is no magic phrase.  "Everything DOESN'T happen for a reason."  Right now... "there IS no silver lining."  There is simply pain and sadness.  Even those with the strongest faith struggle to understand God's plan.  So for tonight, we pray, we send positive thoughts, we kiss our children goodnight and then go back and do it again...and hope.  We Hope.

Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart.  Good night my friends... good night my love.  Please watch over this young man and his family like you do us.  Miss you.  Love you.  </3
#prayforgage

The Birthday Girl

It's the moments I don't brace for that seem to be the hardest.  I am sitting here on the eve of Charlee's third birthday and my heart feels heavy.  I don't have a party planned.  I know what I want to get her... I just haven't had time to get it from the store.  I have a plan for tomorrow... I just haven't had time to get it all together...yet.  But I promise you one thing that I will always have time for...making sure she knows how much I love her.  As I tucked her in tonight, we talked about who was the birthday girl tomorrow.  When she looked up at me and said in her sweet little quiet voice "me mommy, me" I couldn't help but tear up.  Suddenly I was overwhelmed by his absence, the fact that he isn't here to celebrate with me... us... that his sweet little daughter will be celebrating another year.  I know he's with her, I know he's watching... but I want to tell him, talk to him, about all she's done and how much she's grown.  It's the little things...She's potty trained, she can count to 15, we're learning our letters, her beautiful hair is down to her waist, she'll eat almost anything except tomatoes, she LOVES her some chocolate, her smile will light up a room, she loves her brothers and sister, she holds strong to her BB (aka paci), and she'll win over anyone's heart in a flash.  She is my kryptonite... and she's turning 3 tomorrow.  I often wonder how I am going to survive the next 15 (who am I kidding... 30) years.

I knew the time would come when she would ask and talk about her daddy.  She still doesn't completely understand, but she loves his pictures.  She knows he's in Heaven.  She knows he's with Jesus.  Oh and she'll tell anyone who'll listen when it's on her mind.  It has made for an occasional uncomfortable moment.  Charlee and I were waiting for take out one night.  Sitting at the edge of the bar, I was enjoying a cold beer while we waited, a sprite for her.  A poor unsuspecting couple sat down next to us and with her sweet charm and cute smile, the man was talking to Charlee within a few seconds.  He asked her her name. "Charlee Sheets" she replied. He asked her how old she was. "Two!" she boasted.  Then he asked her what she was watching on mommy's phone.  She held up the phone with a picture of her and her daddy and explained... "That's me and my daddy.  He's in Heaven with Jesus."  I could only chuckle... poor guy....but that's what she knows.  And tonight as I tucked that sweet thing in, it hurts my heart that THAT is what she knows... and tomorrow she turns 3.  It's amazing how fast the time passes.  

As the holidays approach, I feel that ache a little stronger in my heart.  The heartache is healing, but it isn't gone.  I feel guilty for dreading the holidays and as I look at my four wonderful kids, I wish I could enjoy the holidays like I used to.  I know they notice, I simply pray they know how much they make it better.  It is because of them and all the wonderful friends I have around me that I know it will be ok.  I feel him there and I wonder sometimes if he gets as sad as I am... or on other days as angry.  I do know he's proud.  Proud of so many things, but mostly of his little girl.  Happy Birthday Charlee.  I love you to the heavens and back.  I miss you my love.

Good night my friends.  </3

Bear Hugs

I miss him every day, but on bad days it seems worse.  I miss the good times and the playful kisses and affectionate hugs every day... But on a bad day when things don't go well at work, or something breaks around the house, or a tire goes flat, or I can't be there for one of the kids when I want to be, or I am tired from a long night at work and life won't stop for just a moment.... I miss his big bear hug.  He used to always remind me... "We've been through a lot and we'll get through this too."  He never made me feel weak or small in those moments.  Instead he'd say "Lean on me. That's what I'm here for." And as simple as that, I felt better.  I felt like I could get through whatever kind of a day it might be and whatever "tomorrow" brought my way.   It's this support and confidence in me that I have used every day since May 29th, 2012 to get up, get dressed and live the life that lies ahead.  But some days... I just want that bear hug... I just want to lean.   I miss you baby.  💔 goodnight my love, goodnight my friends.