Anger

Anger... a stage, a step... part of healing.  It took one year and a week for me to really, truly feel this one.  I had people ask me... comment... "you must be angry"... "you must be mad at him for riding his motorcycle"... "for leaving you".... and until this week... I had never.  I still don't feel anger for him going out for a ride.  Hell, I'm the one that told him to go.  But for some strange reason I can't explain, I feel angry this week.  Perhaps I spent last week (the anniversary of his death) trying so hard to be "ok"... trying a little too hard to be strong.  Perhaps its the 19 month old testing her boundaries while I have no one to hand her to saying... please... I need 10 minutes.  Perhaps its the lacrosse tournaments, the swim practice, the end of school... the child throwing up, the kid who forgot their lunch.  Perhaps I am simply overwhelmed.   Perhaps I simply miss the man who said he'd never leave me.  His comment "Billy Joel had it right... only the good die young.  I think you'll be ok baby."  I guess he was a little "gooder" than he thought he was.  

So this week I am angry.  Angry because I am alone, because I miss him, because I need him and he said he'd always be here for me.  Angry because the kids miss him.  Angry because the kids worry about me.  Angry because my heart hurts and I want to feel good again.  Angry because some days I'd like to hide my head in the sand.  Angry because I want to feel strong again both physically and mentally.  Deep down I know better.  I know that HE did not make this choice... but today, I am still angry.