The Ring

The Wedding Band...

It's different for everyone.  What it stands for, what it means, how it feels.  Some choose to never wear one, others to never take it off.  To some its a commitment, a sacred symbol, a blessing.  To others its a ball and chain, a feeling of being trapped or simply an unnecessary token.  When I married J, it made me feel proud...proud to be wearing "his" and proud that he wore "mine."

Some people don't wear one.  Perhaps they consider it material, and that it doesn't matter because they love their spouse more than anything.  Perhaps for them, the "physical" things don't matter, a name change, a marriage license and much less a ceremonial piece of metal.  I get that.  Others won't take it off.  Many years ago, my Grandpa, who recently passed away, went for surgery.  He was an opinionated man, a grumpy and ornery man, but he loved his wife and made quite a little scene in the pre-op that day because HIS wedding ring was NOT coming off.  When we visited later, I vividly remember his wedding band wrapped in surgical tape, still on his left hand.  I'm not sure I thought much about it then, but I do now.  Another good friend who isn't that big on the acronym we call PDA has "outgrown" his wedding band over the years of his marriage.  He refuses to cut it off despite a job that technically requires its removal.  That makes me smile.  One friend has continued to wear hers for years and I was shocked when she told me how someone asked her why she still wore hers after her husband died.  Their comment... "It's not like you're married anymore."  Just like every other part of this process, its different for everyone.  So its ok to ask, but don't judge.

As J and I were looking for his wedding band before we were married he commented that he had never understood the symbolism of a wedding band... until us.  When I spotted one I thought looked perfect on him, he wouldn't look at another.  He never took it off.  

When the man or woman that put that ring on your finger passes away, so many things in your life change as you work on that "new normal" that initially, your wedding band doesn't even cross your mind.  (Well, unless you go get a manicure to get out of the house and the lady asks you to remove it.... She looked at me shocked when I defiantly replied "No!")  So when do you take it off?  What does it mean when you do?  There is no answer to either of these questions that is right or wrong.  I think the answer is... you'll know.  

As a surgeon, it took me weeks before that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach quit washing over me every time I removed mine for surgery.  To me, it felt like that was one of my connections to him and in taking it off, I was letting go of his hand.  It was like the proverbial feeling of him slipping away every time I slid the ring off my finger.  Now I realize that will never really happen because every day I see him smiling back at me in Charlee's sweet face.

For myself, I chose the anniversary of his death, the one year mark.  A date just shy of our 3rd wedding anniversary.  I am sure some have noticed, others haven't. It felt strange at first, but I was tired.  Tired of random explanations.  With a 1 year old in my arms all the time, I got tired of the comments and questions about her Daddy.  "She's a doll!  I bet she has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger."  "Her Daddy won't get much sleep when she starts dating!" "Where's your help?"  "I bet her Daddy gives her anything she wants with that face."  All very benign, innocent and real, but often gut wrenching at the same time.  So... the week of the anniversary, I found a nice spot, a little place by my bed, took a deep breath and took it off.  Of course I still wear HIS around my neck.... Baby steps.  

Goodnight all.