Clouds

I love the clouds.  I love watching them move, fade, change form, rain, darken, thunder... frame a rainbow, let the sun rays through.  Today while watching the clouds I was reminded of how quickly they move, how quickly time moves.  It's been almost 14 months since J's accident.  I often wonder some days how it can feel like its been forever, yet just yesterday all at the same time.  I can still play that night over in my head... not a detail left out.  I can still feel the pain... feel it strangle my heart.  I can still remember his kiss...the last one I would ever get.  I remember what he was wearing...the warmth of his hug...then how cold he felt the next time I touched him.  

They say time heals and I suppose they are right, but mostly it just gives you time to get used to the cold fact they are gone.  I stumbled upon an expired driver's license today... his picture, his signature... and still, after 14 months I found it hard to believe he was gone.  Maybe, just maybe, if I wished hard enough he would walk through the front door just one more time.  Then the cry of our little girl waking up from her nap..."Momma!"...brought me back to reality.  Just like life itself, dealing with death/grief is a little like a roller coaster.  I find myself making great strides, feeling stronger, more confident, looking forward, climbing... then plummeting back into a darkness.  I often stand with my face to the sun, feeling the warmth on my skin only to be knocked over by a wave of grief that takes my breath and leaves me feeling cold.  

I am lonely... A loneliness that doesn't subside when friends and family hold me close, lift me up.  It is a loneliness I feel deep inside.  It's the part of the relationship that makes you want to send a text to tell them something funny, the part that leans in a little closer when you are watching TV at night, the part that reaches for them in bed while you're sleeping, the part that had a bad day only one of those special hugs will fix. Some days I feel a blanket of depression lying over me...other days I am curious for the future as I brace myself for what's next.  I know the overall gain is positive.  I must admit there are days that scares me.  Sometimes it feels like I'm letting go of his hand and that trying to move on will make his memory fade.  Silly, I know.  I know that he will always live on in my heart, in his son, our daughter.  Was it really 14 months ago?  Today it feels like yesterday.

So now as I watch the clouds, I find myself noticing even more how beautiful the world around us can be.  I notice the comfort of fluffy white clouds in a sunny blue sky, the power of a big thunderhead towering toward the heavens, the defiant look of the trees standing strong against a stormy sky, the way they dance on a windy day, the simple beauty of sun rays finding their way to earth.... and the colorful rainbow that emerges after the storm.  While the storm is slowly fading, I am still searching for the rainbow.  I miss you baby.  

Goodnight all...