A Beautiful Day

It was a beautiful day on the lake.  The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect and my baby girl was sleeping on my chest as I lounged across the back seat of the boat.  I smiled watching the man who drove the boat, shirt off, sun on his shoulders, the dragon across his back moving in sync with the waves.... Then someone asked a question and brought me back to reality...It was still a beautiful day on the lake, my littlest was still sound asleep on my chest as we bounced and swayed with the waves, but he was still gone.  The moment was so vivid I had wanted to gently place my little one aside and wrap my arms around him.  Moments like this are not uncommon in my life and I'm sure there are other widows that can relate.  I wonder sometimes if they are noticeable.  Do the people around me notice?  Some are so vivid and real, I swear he's there.  Some bring tears, some bring a smile, but ALL of them bring that ache in my chest... the one I now know is my "heartache."

I find myself playing these "movie reels" in my head.  Some are beautiful memories... some are dreams of what might have been.  Some are triggered by a song, a smell, a familiar moment, a couple I see... some are a little like land mines... catching me off guard...so powerful I feel that wave of grief wash over me.  Others will make me shake my head and wonder briefly... "Is this real?"  Yep.

People are right, time does "heal."  You realize life does move on, and amazingly, you've made it on your own now for over a year.  You find yourself imagining that happiness is out there somewhere.  Perhaps it'll find you again.  For now, you find that happiness in those around you.  It lies in your friends and family.  For me, most of it comes from my children... watching my oldest slowly grow into a strong, slightly grumpy at times, teenage boy...  The beauty in my pre-teen, moody daughter as she suddenly looks more like a young woman than a little girl... The goofy blonde-haired, blue-eyed, sensitive boy who never fails to get a laugh... and especially the beautiful, smart, obstinate and daring little toddler whose sweet hugs and kisses keep me going every day.  "Wuv you Mommy!!" she cries as I put her to bed.

So...it WAS a beautiful day, a day I felt him share with me.  I put aside all the things that needed to be done and enjoyed nature, friends and family.  A day that makes me miss him even more.  A day that weaves a little more confidence and strength into the scar that is slowly forming in my heart.

Miss you baby! Goodnight all...