Autumn Leaves

As I watch a leaf slowly float to the ground and feel the crispness of the morning air, I smell change coming again.  It is good, life moving forward, but as it does I feel my heart ache.  It is still, after all this time, hard to get used to him being gone.  There is a heaviness as autumn approaches.  I have come to a realization, one that may have been blatantly obvious to many of you, but eluded me until now.  I have suddenly realized I am never going to get "over" this, nor is this something I am going to get "through."  It's always going to be there.  My heart will always carry this scar.  I am not going to wake up tomorrow and find him sleeping next to me.  He is not going to come home from work tomorrow.  I will always find myself slightly surprised by the pang I feel looking for a birthday card as I pass the ones labeled "husband"... surprised by the sting of tears as I hold them back watching a husband and wife share a kiss.  I will continue to work toward the balance of managing home, work and life without him.  I will always carry the anxiety that comes with knowing first hand how rapidly life can change.  With this realization, I have found a return of my anger and a tiredness that seems to have settled in.  I think there was a naive part of me that thought that if I held strong and made it through the first year and all the hurdles that came with that, I would feel better.  

So as the leaves start to change and the chill returns to the air, I turn the page to start a new chapter.  A chapter where I continue to put one foot in front of the other.  A chapter that while I know the beginning... I'm not so sure what it holds.  Sometimes I find myself angry with the change, and other times willing, ready to move forward. It will always feel strange, moving on without him by my side.   I still find myself occasionally wanting to scream "Wait!  We're going on without him!"  Our daughter will turn 2 in 6 weeks.  She was only 7 months when he was killed, one more reminder of how fast time passes.  Was it really almost a year and 1/2 since the last time I rode with him, wrapped my arms around him as we took in the North Carolina scenery?  Has it been 2 years since we enjoyed his favorite time of the year with a cold beer on our front porch?  Has it been 16 months since I felt normal?  Yes...  And no, I don't feel better.  As the holidays once again descend upon us, I wonder how can I find a way to make a difficult time for me joyful and exciting for the kids?

I know how this chapter will begin.  It will begin with me, holding on tight to the belief that I can do this.  It will begin with me, tucking in my sweet angel every night making sure she knows how loved she is.  It will begin with me, guiding my children through school, sports, life.  It will begin with me, waking up every morning to face the day.  It will begin with me, trying to rebuild my physical and emotional strength.  It will begin with me, craving a comfort I pray I will find again.  It will begin with me, wondering if ... 'I'm not broken just bent and can I learn to love again?' It will begin with me, wondering...   

What will this chapter hold?

Goodnight my friends...