A spark

We started as a spark... A physical attraction.  You had this confidence, this air about you, and this armor that you wore around your heart.  You'd been loved, left, hurt and you weren't going to let it happen again.  But we both felt it, wanted it... we tried to walk away, but couldn't.

Then I found that chink, that hole in your amor and worked my way in... and you let me in.  But we struggled.  I'd never let someone take care of me.  You'd never let someone truly love you.... and you were scared to let me.  But we made it.  I showed you what true love meant...That it didn't leave when times got tough... it held you, waited for you, loved you.  You showed me it was ok to ask for help, to let another's love care for me, cradle me... Now, you are gone.

Now I am wearing that armor, that smile I must wear, the tears I must hide.  I play the strong widow taking care of my family.  What choice do I have?  For me, there is no other choice.  I will not let my children down.  I will not forget to love them, play with them, read to them, cherish them, cheer for them or stand behind them while I wallow in the grief and self pity of love lost.  

Sometimes I think being busy makes it better, easier... As everyone says... "At least you have the kids.  At least you have sweet Charlee."  And yes, they are right.  But I've come to realize that it makes the process just a little bit slower, a little bit longer... and I continue to hide behind that armor.  I pray every day that it's strength will hold me up, when before... that was you.  I believe it is still you.... YOUR armor that you left behind to protect me, our family, our baby girl.  You are OUR guardian angel, YOUR strength... OUR love.  

Each day is a struggle, full of challenges, frustrations, sadness and loneliness.  Yet each day brings it's rewards, its triumphs... I made it.  I got up, got dressed, got 4 children off to school, myself through work, cared for my patients, homework done, played with toys, got to practice on time, counted toes, children fed, bath time done, necks hugged, lips kissed, 4 children tucked in... and then I miss you the most.  How can our home feel so empty yet still be so full.  I wonder... but it always comes back to you... YOU are missing.  I lay down alone, often reaching for you, still, one year later.  I dream about you often... OUR dreams... OUR future.  Then the day starts again... and I survive.  I WILL survive...for you... for me... for the kids.

I know this storm will pass, but that this pain will not go away.  I know it will fade.  I know that my heart, while scarred, will heal.  I know that out of sadness, I will find happiness again... Until then... Goodnight my love.