When you become a widow, there seems to be this rule of nature that makes things go wrong around you. They are mostly trivial things, but you are in a fragile state and it makes them seem almost catastrophic. One book I read briefly said at least 3 things will break, need fixing or just plain go wrong shortly after life tries to settle back into your "new normal." I should have read that BEFORE all the stuff started happening around me... It might have made me laugh and maybe saved me a few tears. A storm hit, lots of lightening and suddenly 1/4 of my house was out of electricity... this had happened before, J and I had figured it out together previously. So, when it happened, I immediately grabbed my cell and actually made it all the way to tapping his name on the favorite contact list before I remembered... he wasn't going to answer. My poor friend who actually received my distress call as I was trying to figure out how to get the garage doors open in time to go pick up my children... Not sure he could even understand a word I said. It all worked out... and now I know. The theme for me was electricity. There were at least 4 more events which then lead me to throw the book I read that said "THREE things will go wrong" against the wall. But... it all works out. And I think those things happen for a couple of reasons. 1. You learn to ask for help... you learn that its ok to call one of those people who said "Hey, if you need anything call me." That they won't find you weak or incapable. 2. You learn that it will be O.K.
Where I would like to differ from the "self help books for widows"... is that it really doesn't stop there. You slowly realize how many little things the two of you did as a team. You realize how as a team you made life run a little smoother. While because I was in a marriage before that wasn't quite what I wanted, I DID appreciate a lot of the little things he did, once he was gone it was like WOW... How can I do this on my own again?? Simple things... he'd often notice when my truck was low on gas and run up to the gas station to fill it up... he would swap cars with me and get my oil changed... he kept the propane tanks full so we never ran out... he organized maintenance guys like the exterminator, the HVAC guy, the heating and oil guy, kept the mowers running, cleaned the toilets, did the dishes when I cooked, watered the indoor plants, fed the dog.... and the list goes on. There were ways that I differ from other widows... I did the financial work, paid the bills, I make my own money, I organized our schedule... that helped decrease the stress...I didn't have to worry about how to support the kids, pay the mortgage, figure out the bills that were due. I can't imagine how hard that would be... your mind isn't exactly thinking straight (not sure mine is yet) and I am thankful that stress was avoided. But the gist of it all is... for the young widow with children, the burden increases. Like I've said before, it keeps you busy, less time to sit and wonder "why me?"... but I do believe it makes the process slower. There are things I read in books or online that others experience a few weeks after their spouse's death that took me months to encounter. At first I struggled with that... Then I looked around at my kids, my house, my life and I realized... screw the books, I'm doing OK.
So... what should come from this post for other widows, or simply people learning to live without another... It's ok to ask for help, support, comfort. I still struggle with this one sometimes, but I'm trying. Also... perspective... The AC/heat going out for the 3rd time... It's fixable... and it will be OK. Finally, we all do this at a different pace and as long as we continue to put one foot in front of the other, continue to love our children, our family, and look for our new normal... we're doing OK. As one of my partners said to me shortly after J was killed... "left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot... breathe in, breath out... repeat."
Goodnight all....
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