What's next?

So, after the shock, you wonder... "what do I do next?"  I even remember asking the officer that came to the door... "What do I do now?"  This plays out in a few ways depending on whether things were sudden or more gradual.  If you're like me, it was sudden and out of the blue.  If you're like me, you are fortunate enough to have never dealt with much death/dying in your family, so you truly have no idea.  So those around you help... contact a funeral home, make plans, discuss options, scheduling and the list goes on.  And then it all quiets down, you look around and think wow... He's never coming home.  You look at the front door that he's never going to walk through again, the couch he'll never sit on... His side of the bed.

Those with young children still living at home may have more of a focus...You may not be sure what to do with your own heart, your own feelings, your own tears... but you know exactly what to do with those of your children...You listen, you nurture, you dry their tears and hug their necks.  It's hard sometimes though.  There are times when you just need a break.  You just want to sit down, bury your head in your hands and cry... but you're trying to remember Algebra, sign homework sheets, wake up at 2 am for a crying baby and send in teacher appreciation gifts.  

If you've had children, do you remember during your pregnancy when you felt the need to have the house perfect, clothes folded and in their place, cabinets cleaned out, garage clean, old toys donated (and the list goes on)?  Well, I seemed to do that first. It felt like a version of "nesting."  It seemed to occupy my scattered mind.  We had planned to paint and decorate the kids rooms... suddenly that was a huge priority.  I needed pictures hung, things cleaned... (I appreciated all those first responders who cleaned that first week :)... and I didn't want to leave my home.  I still struggle a little with that one.  I am safe here...at least I FEEL safe here.  I feel my husband here and I feel less "watched" here.  So as for me, I spent the first couple of months trying to figure out "what next."  I floated aimlessly some days. I made many lists so I wouldn't forget what to do, who to pick up or what I was going to the grocery store for.  After several U-turns to return home for my wallet, the diaper bag or my phone, my children began to giggle and ask every time we got in the car:  "Mom!  Wait!  Do you have your phone, your wallet, your keys?"  They would often grab the baby's diaper bag and yell "I've got the bag, don't forget the baby!"

So I slowly reviewed things, eliminated bills I didn't need, tried to make changes that made life simpler.  Gradually things seemed to be a little more under control, minus all the crazy mishaps we've discussed before of course.  Slowly, I began to see life moving forward... Began to see that the impossible was becoming possible.

Still, a year later, I find myself wondering "what next?"  At first it was just survival....many days, it still is.  However, there seems to be a little more focus amidst the chaos that was and still is my life.   I have many people to thank for that...my "first responders", my co-workers, my family... but mostly...my children.  It is they who have pulled from me, a strength from within...The strength to move forward...The strength to love despite the pain...The strength to heal.  

Goodnight my friends.