The beginning

I started this blog because the writing I've done over the last year has helped me survive...It has helped me move forward, get up every day, take care of my kids, function in life.  It helps me get things off my chest, express my feelings, but most importantly, cope with my new normal.  Perhaps there is someone out there who might read this... who might find their day a little easier knowing they aren't alone.  Knowing that what they feel or felt or might feel... is ok.  That "Life Ain't Always Beautiful... but its a beautiful ride."  

A little background.  I am a widow.  My husband was killed May 29, 2012 in a motorcycle accident that still remains a mystery.  It was a second marriage for both of us... We brought to each other passion, love, 4 children... me (3... two boys and a girl)... him (1.. a boy).  We loved our chaos.  Boys:  13, 11, 7 when we married.. and a sweet girl 9.  We wanted a child together and on 11/3/11 had a sweet angel we named Charlee Elizabeth.  Her name is important because she carries her daddy's first name (His name was Charles), and my middle name.  Little did I know how glad I would be that she would carry his name both first and last... the same as her Grandfather.  It's funny how life works sometimes.   Her Daddy died when she was just 7 months old.  

I will never forget that night.  The kiss before he left that beautiful May night for a ride on his bike, his willingness to help with the kids... yet I told him to take a ride.  His last texts... "I love my life"... my response:  ":) good!!  Be safe! Because those of us IN your life love you."  Him:  "Trust... I love all of you too."   I had never gone to bed without him... especially on nights he rode his bike.  That night God, or whomever you believe in, took care of me.  Charlee woke up, I nursed her, then laid down to wait for him to come home.  I fell asleep (I can't imagine my worry had I not) only to be jolted awake by a firm knock at my door.  I was confused and thought for sure I'd locked him out, thought briefly about being angry when I saw that it was 12:55 and he had said he was coming home at 10:00... And then I saw the officer through my front door.  With my daughter in my arms, I answered that door as I felt my heart start to pound.  Something was wrong.  And then I knew... "I'm sorry to wake you ma'am... but how do you know ((this man))?"...  "ummm... he's my husband."... "I'm sorry ma'am, he's passed away."  The rest is a blur... yet so clear.  And the nightmare began.  I've posted many poems and thoughts and things to Facebook... but I thought I'd start a blog... for me... and maybe for someone else who might find reassurance or strength.  I live this night over and over and over.... I often wish I could simply rewind.  Tell him ... "Don't go"... "take someone to practice"... "mow the lawn"..."stay with me"... Please... I miss you!!